Do people have them? Is it irrational to expect other people to have them? What about common courtesy or respect? Where are those things?
Example A- If you invite someone somewhere, would you expect them to pay you for it? If I invite you to my house for the weekend, would it be fair of me to expect you to pay for the room and board? If I invite you to dinner, should I expect you to pay for it?
In my opinion, the answer to all of those questions is NO! If I call up Trish and ask her to come try a new Thai place with me, I would obviously pay. In return, of she asked me to go with her to some fondue place, she would pay up. That is how friends work. We would not keep score of how many times I paid and how many times she paid either. On the other hand, if, like my mom, you go out to lunch with a friend everyday, then separate checks would be appropriate, unless it was like her birthday or something. Now if I were going somewhere a bit more pricy, say I was taking the kids to Disneyland, I might say to Trish, “Hey we are going to Disneyland next week and it would be fun to go together. I can’t afford to pay for all of us, but if you get tickets for you guys, I’ll drive.” Or something to that effect. (Of course, all this only applies if Trish lived here rather than the opposite coast.) That is just how it should work in my opinion.
If I invite my cousin to stay for the weekend, should I ask my Aunt for money for gas and food? Of course not, I offered to have her for the weekend. She is a guest in my home. You do not pay for that. On the other hand, David would like to invite his sister to come and stay with us, but he cannot afford to pay to fly her here. But if someone else does pay for that, we certainly would not ask for the money for the food and gas. She would be our guest. She is invited. However, if someone were to call us up and ask us, hey, I need a place to stay for a week, can I stay with you? Then maybe it might be okay to ask them to pitch in a bit.
This to me seems like it should be common courtesy. Especially among close friends and relatives.
Example B- If you give someone something or do something for someone, should you expect something in return? When you give someone something or do something nice for someone, does that give you the right to lord it over them after that?
Unless you are doing a job for someone who should pay you or giving someone something you are selling, NO! Friends and family should not work that way. Maybe if you do nice things for someone or give them things and they are rude and do not say thanks or anything, then, in my opinion, you let that go, and you will know better in the future. You do not get to forever remind them what you did for them and lord it over them. If I buy Trish something for her birthday, does that mean I expect her to buy me something for mine? Nope. I do it because she is my friend. (Just FYI, Trish did buy me a very cool candle for my birthday. I bought her some neat handmade soap.) I once gave my friend Samantha a refrigerator. I had one, it was not even a year old, and I did not have room for it when we were moving. Her fridge was old and duck tape held part of the door on. She could not afford to pay me for it, so I just gave it to her. I never mentioned it again. She was appreciative and a few years later when she and her husband bought a house of their own, she sent me a letter about how it was great with all the expense of owning her new home, she didn’t have to worry about a new fridge and that she even bought her dishwasher to match it. I did not then ask for payback now that she was obviously more financially stable. I sent her a housewarming gift. (I think it was a matching blender.)
That is just how I feel on the subject. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Maybe we should write to Dear Abby, Emily Post, Miss Manners, or Ann Landers.
P.S. I used Trish in all my examples because she is an easy target, not because she would ever do any of those things. Also, this post is not directed toward anyone specific, just a general topic based on a variety of things I have been a party to recently. It is not a personal attack on people and if you take it that way, well you're an idiot. (That was a personal attack on idiots in case you missed it.)
1 year ago