Friday, May 28, 2010

A Day In The Life

Saying Goodbye


Dear Ms. G,

I don’t remember applying for the job I have. I never had the want to work in the field we are in. I remember being desperate, jobless and having two children at home. I remember being at the interview. I remember thinking that there is no way I could ever do that. I remember thinking that I had to. The money was good. The offer was there. I would start 2009 employed. I wasn’t thinking about what my jo was, just that I would be able to pay my bills and buy food.

I stared my IF class. I listened intently to everything everyone was saying, but it never really sank in that I was going to be expected to do any of that. I barely am 5 feet tall. I had never even been inside a prison. But I listened and I absorbed. You were there. You kept saying I could do it. You seemed so sure. I thought you were crazy.

After a week and a half of classroom work, I finally stepped into the institutions. I remember Lt. Henry taking us to the different ones. I remember being terrified. We met you at the USP for count. I couldn’t count. The inmates weren’t cooperating. I was frustrated and terrified. I gave up. I wanted to quit. But you said no. I just needed some time. You said it happened to you when you started. So I came back the next day.

And I kept coming back. I wanted to quit so many times at first. The first time I got gunned by some fool. The first time I ran to a body alarm and saw bloody faces. Every time an inmate got over on me. But I kept coming back.

I wanted to be you. I wanted to be tough and good at my job. I wanted to walk into that USP with my head held high, rather than looking at the ground. I wanted to command respect the way you did. You were my hero.

Now I walk into the USP every day with my head held high. I am not too afraid to direct inmates. I have the respect I earned by doing my job just the way you taught me.

Now you are leaving to move across country and continue with what will be an amazing career. You will be missed every day. I couldn’t have done this job without you. I would never have made it. You made a huge difference in my life and you didn’t even know it. Thanks to you, I have a career I love. I have plans for the future. I have a home and a life for my children. I have food on my table and a dollar in the bank.
Goodbye Ms. G. Good luck to you in everything you do. Always know that to me you are not just a woman, not just a correctional officer, but a hero.

*****************************


Dear Captain,

Soon you will leave us, but not too far away.
To so many you were so much more that a boss.
You were the direction we needed when we were heading the wrong way.
You were the friendly advice when we didn’t know what we were doing.
You were the reassurance when we were sure we were wrong.
Your criticisms were gentle, but your accolades were loud.
It just won’t be the same with you gone.
Los Angeles is a lucky place.
Good luck Captain.
You will be missed but never forgotten.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Here Comes Santa

Last week David, Carolynn and I went to the Target. We were looking for a purse for Carolynn. As we were walking up to the Target, at a parking space right in front, there was a man getting in his car. He was a large man, with a long white beard. He was putting on a red coat.

David says “Look, it’s Santa.”

Carolynn and I look and have a little laugh.

However, directly in front of us were a little girl and her mom. The little girl heard David and got excited and started looking for “Santa”. Her mom saw, and laughed. She told her it wasn’t really.

Then she turned around and told David he was crazy. She was laughing.

We left the Target.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

And Then It Was Over

Correctional Workers Week ends today. There sure was a lot of food involved. Burritos, pizza, BBQ, breakfast... I think they may have been trying to kill us.

Today was the family picnic. They had tons of food, bounce houses for the kids, lots of games and prizes.

I understand that they were giving our some kind of commemorative coin and a lunch box too. I didn't get any such thing. But I work evening watch (4 to midnight) and this stuff usually goes on during the day. Last year, I was working morning watch and except for the picnic at the end of the week, I barley knew it was going on. They should work on trying to remember everyone better.

******************************


In The Line Of Duty

21. Robert F. Miller, Senior Officer
Killed at USP Lewisburg, October 12, 1987

22. D'Antonio Washington, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Atlanta, December 21, 1994

23. Scott J. Williams, Senior Officer Specialist
Killed at USP Lompoc, April 3, 1997

24. Jose V. Rivera, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Atwater, June 20, 2008

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Day In The Life

Is This Call In Reference To An Inmate?

Working in the front lobby of the prison is not hard. (See previous post. HAHAHA!) You process visitors and volunteers. You screen employees coming in for work. You supervise the female inmates who come to clean. You receive packages. You are the first person anyone sees when they come. You are also the first person callers speak to, as it is your job to answer the phones.

Lots of people call the prison. Employees call to check schedules, call in sick, or to speak with other people. Employee families call to speak to their family member. Other prisons call. Other law enforcement agencies call. Businesses call. But most of all, inmate families call.

There is only so much information we can give out over the phone. We don’t really know who is calling. There are laws protecting prisoner personal information. Are you really his mom, or the girlfriend of a rival gang trying to find him and have him whacked?

One day I am sitting there and a woman calls. She is frantic. Her boyfriend, some inmate, hadn’t called her in three days. He calls every day. Apparently, the last time she talked to him he complained of a headache. Since he hadn’t called her in days, obviously he must be in the hospital. Or dead even.

She asked if the institution was on lockdown. I told her no it was not. She asked if he was there. I confirmed he was. She didn’t believe me. She wanted me to tell her if he was sick or anything. That is protected information. I transferred her call, as per our policy, to his case manager. She basically told this woman what I had said and hung up.

Minutes later she called back. I again told her the same thing and transferred the call. Again the case manager told her the same thing and hung up. Then the case manager called me and told me to stop transferring the call. She was asking questions we can’t answer.

But again she called. I told her again, yes the inmate was there, no, we are not locked down. No, I don’t know why he hasn’t called. No you cannot be transferred again. She started yelling and demanded to speak to the warden. No, the warden is unavailable.

She called about a dozen more times that day and many more the next day.

Do you want to know why the inmate wasn’t calling her? He was sent to segregation for having a weapon (a shank). In there you only get to use the phone once a month. The case manager did go over there and tell him to contact his family. He can write all the letters he wants.

I knew that the whole time really. I just couldn’t tell her. It's not allowed.

*****************************


In The Line Of Duty

18. Merle E. Clutts, Senior Officer Specialist
Killed at USP Marion, October 22, 1983

19. Robert L. Hoffman, Senior Officer Specialist
Killed at USP Marion, October 22, 1983

20. Boyd H. Spikerman, Correctional Officer
Killed at FCI Oxford, January 29, 1984

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Thursday Thirteen



Thirteen Prison Related Movies

1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Con Air
3. The Fugitive
4. The Silence Of The Lambs
5. Life
6. O Brother Where Art Thou
7. Jailhouse Rock
8. Walk The Line (Johnny Cash Sings about a prison…)
9. The Green Mile
10. Dead Man Walking
11. The Rock
12. American History X
13. Birdman Of Alcatraz

****************************


In The Line Of Duty

15. Janice R. Hylen, Contract Dietician
Killed at USP Atlanta, November 21, 1979

16. Gregory J. Gunter, Maintenance Mechanic General Foreman
Killed at FCI Petersburg, December 25, 1982

17. Gary L. Rowe, Senior Officer
Killed at MCC San Diego, February 5, 1983

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A Day In The Life

Love Conquers All

There is no denying that inmates have women issues. How they even find women to continue to be with a jailbird is beyond. I frequently work in the visiting room and every day that we have visiting, the room is packed. It’s not as if these men are somehow treating these women well from behind bars. I also read their mail and e-mails, as well as listen to their phone calls. I see what they do.

There is one inmate I know of whose wife and adorable daughter came to visit every Sunday. The wife was beautiful and gracious. He had taught his daughter to say my name. She was only 4 and she would come ask me for books or games. The inmate would read to her and play games with his little girl. He smiles and chats with his wife. They share a vending machine lunch. The wife and little girl always leave in tears, calling good-bye. Then on Monday, his girlfriend comes to visit. She wasn’t even as pretty. We were pretty sure she was bringing in drugs.

One day I was escorting a visitor in. She was giddy and nervous. She said she was so excited to see her fiancé. He loved her so much. I looked down at the paper and recognized the inmate’s name. I tell her yes, he sure will be happy to see her. The visitor asks if I know her fiancé. I say I believe I do and give her a short but accurate description. The inmate has some pretty distinctive features. She looks at me puzzled. She says no, that is not her man. I apologized to her. I must have made a mistake. She sits in the visiting room waiting nervously. In walks the inmate, the one I thought it was going to be. We actually have to point her out to him because he didn’t seem to know her. They sure kissed hello like they knew each other though. Eww.

Then they send letters and e-mails that just boggle the mind.

Hey Baby,
I axed you to send money. But you didn’t yet. R u my bitch or ain’t ya? I need that money. I need some shoes. I better be seen that money today or your ass is dumped. Ya feel me?


That is promptly followed by dirty talk.

When I get out of this joint, I am going to have you on every surface of the house.

Sure dude, you got a life sentence. I always want to write my own letter and add it.

Dear Stupid Girl,
Do not send money. He is in prison. He is not getting out. Let him dump you. Or better yet, you dump him. Move to a new town and change your number. Besides, even if he somehow does get out, you are as good as dumped anyway because he wrote the same letter to four other women. Also, FYI, I just looked in his cell. That man has so many shoes, Imelda Marcos should be so lucky.


Once I worked a unit where everyday an inmate would write a sweet love note to his wife.

Dear Wife,
I love you so much. I am counting down the days until we can be together again. You are the love of my life. You complete me. You make me a better man. I will never leave you. Write soon. I need your letters to live.
Love Always, Some Inmate


Then he would write his girlfriend a letter.

Dear Girlfriend,
I love you so much. I am counting down the days until we can be together again. You are the love of my life. You complete me. You make me a better man. I will never leave you. Write soon. I need your letters to live.
Love Always, Some Inmate


Just FYI- The wife was incarcerated on the same charge as him, while the girlfriend lives nearby and visits on weekends. I am pretty sure they don’t know about one another. I wonder what will happen when he gets out.

Another inmate, I had hopes for his one, hope that perhaps there was a tiny shred of decency out there. Each day he too would write a letter to his wife. She was also incarcerated along with him. He would write how sorry he was that he had gotten them into this mess, how he misses her, how he was counting the days until they were together. He would ask her about her days, her prison, people she meets. Then one day, a new letter to a new girl. Then new letter was filled of dirty talk. He begged the new girl to visit and send money. Figures.

I have a few theories on this.

1. He loves the wife and is just using the new girl. Perhaps he doesn’t think it is cheating since they can’t do it.

2. He no longer cares about the wife, but is not willing to let her go because he feels bad about getting her imprisoned.

3. He no longer cares about the wife but is too much of a jerk to let her go and let some other guy hook such a catch.

4. He is using them both because he is just a giant jerk.

However, none of that is as bad as yet another fabulous inmate. He isn’t much of a letter writer, maybe an occasional letter to his mom. He is a polite, unassuming guy. He is active in the prison; he plays sports, takes classes, and goes to the chapel. I see him often sitting with his buddies, watching TV, laughing, and having a good time. Basically, despite that fact that he is in prison, he is living the good life. That is unfortunate. Perhaps he shouldn’t have made the bomb, put it is his pregnant girlfriend’s car and killed he and her two year old son. Seriously, how can he sit there watching America’s Funniest Home Videos and laughing like that knowing what he did?

I guess love is still out there though. Just recently, two different inmates sent requests to be married in prison. Aww.

****************************


In The Line Of Duty

11. Vern M. Jarvis, Senior Officer
Killed at USP Marion, January 26, 1969

12. Wayne L. Selle, Senior Officer
Killed at USP Leavenworth, July 31, 1973

13. John W. Johnson, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Leavenworth, September 29, 1974

14. Donald F. Reis, Senior Officer Specialist
Killed at FCI El Reno, February 28, 1975

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Day In The Life

Pants On The Ground

Sometimes certain inmates have a hard time separating reality from the fiction in their heads. One of the things that make me a good officer is my ability to smile and to listen. I somehow manage to put aside the fact that these men have killed, raped and sold drugs and treat them like human beings. It takes a lot of effort. Truthfully, I feel very phony. Even though I am a big phony, there are inmates that don’t seem to know it. Perhaps they have had so few positive experiences with woman.

When I work in the same unit for a long period of time, I really get to know my inmates. They talk to me. I listen. They respect me. Because of this, I don’t usually have a lot of problems. My biggest problem is when inmates forget that I am an officer.

I was working in a place for a long period of time. There was an inmate in there that was pretty chatty. It was slow at first. Just a “Hi” or a “How are you?” However, over the next couple of weeks he got more and more aggressive. He was hovering at my office door, asking more and more personal questions. I reported everything. The counselor called him in for a chat. He stopped or a few days. The case manager called him in for a chat. He stopped for a few days. Several lieutenants called him down for chats. He slowed down a little. But he started right up again. Even other inmates told him to stop. It didn’t matter what I said or what I did, in his own words he “was never going to give up. He always gets what he wants.”

I stopped going by his cell. I would only allow his to speak to me with other present. It was frustrating him and I knew. He started trying to get me to come to him. He said he wanted to give me some information. He suggested there would be problems in my unit and he needed to talk to me. I didn’t believe him.

I could tell he was getting more and more desperate. I wasn’t sure what he would do. I had documented everything he did. I had told many other officers. I knew that something was going to happen. Then one day everything finally gave. He kept begging me to come to his cell. I could see his cell from my office. Every time I got too close I could see him in there. He would pull his shorts up and try to expose himself to me. But I wouldn’t go close enough. Later that evening I was standing outside my office speaking to some other inmates. The whole area was full of inmates. I looked up and there he was; pants around his ankles, personal business in his hand, just going at it. Seriously.

I walked next door and returned with other officers. When I came back the inmate was hiding in the shower. The officer I had brought with me, a male officer, got him from the shower, made him get dressed and took him away.

When they got him to the lieutenants’ office, he told the lieutenant that he had to do it. It was my fault. I wouldn’t come to his cell so he could do it there.

*************************


In The Line Of Duty

8. Harold P. Stites, Senior Officer
Killed at USP Alcatraz, May 2, 1946

9. William A. Miller, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Alcatraz, May 3, 1946

10. William W. Latimer, Correctional Officer
Killed at National Training School, September 11, 1960

Monday, May 17, 2010

A Day In The Life

Hide and Seek


Two officers are out on the yard observing inmates returning back to their unit from their work assignments. One of the inmates is acting suspicious so they pull him over. The find well over $100 in stamps and a bottle of homemade intoxicants. They now are escorting him to the lieutenants’ office.

He comes along quietly. I am there, monitoring the door that leads into that corridor. They walk passed me toward the lieutenants office. I go out the door and am helping another officer direct several new inmates as to where to go. I hear behind me a loud yell and someone saying “Stop!

As I run back to the door, the door flies open and the door and another officer hit me. The two of us land in a heap, as that same inmate goes running passed. The other officer gets up and gives chase. It is still my job to monitor that door, so I get up and hold it open. Now staff is streaming out in order to give assistance in apprehending this inmate. I point them in the right direction. They all run out and tackle him and bring him back in handcuffs and leg irons. They return him to the office and proceed to search him.

The officer who hit me, also female, and I are bruised a bit and sore. We are sent to medical to be assessed. She got the full brunt of the inmate hit, while I got the door and her. We are okay though. My shoulder hurt a bit for a few days and my bruises healed. Her knee hurt for a couple of days and her bruises healed.

But why did he run? We had already taken his stamps and alcohol. Well, during the more thorough search of this inmate while in the lieutenants’ office, the lieutenant discovered a homemade weapon, a shank, on his person. Or more accurately, IN his person. The shank, about 7 inches and made of metal, sharpened to a point with a tape handle, was secured in his rectum.

My questions…

How was he able to walk, let alone run with that shank where it was?

Where was he planning to go when he ran? It’s prison. We will catch you.

If he ran with intent to ditch the weapon, how did he plan to get it out while running?


*************************


In The Line Of Duty

5. Andrew H. Leonard, Captain
Killed at USP Leavenworth, November 14, 1922

6. Robert G. Warnke, Laundry Foreman
Killed at USP Leavenworth, June 20, 1929

7. Royal C. Cline, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Alcatraz, May 23, 1938

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Correctional Workers Week

This week is Correctional Worker’s Week. There are activities, food and stuff all week. Saturday will be the big family picnic and a car show. I figured I’d jump on board. Last year, I was working morning watch, midnight to 8am, and I really missed out on all the activities. We went to the picnic, but that was all. We took Allison and she kept asking me if I was sure it was free and also if the bad guys could see her.

I have only been a correctional officer for about a year and a half. I really love it. I never thought I would. I never thought it would be something I would do, but there you have it. Oh sure, there are days when I would rather do something a bit more girly. Sometimes it is scary. But I never have to worry about what to wear.

It can be dangerous. These are convicted criminals. They have already proven themselves to be bad guys. Officers have been murdered. 24 in the history of the Bureau Of Prisons. Tomorrow we will have a memorial ceremony to honor all those which have given their lives carrying out our mission. Here I will honor them as well. You can click on their names to read more.

*************************


1. Joseph B. Waldrupe, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Leavenworth, November 10, 1901

2. Andrew F. Turner, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Leavenworth, March 26, 1916

3. Edgar A. Barr, Correctional Officer
Killed at USP Leavenworth, March 19, 1917

4. James R. Brock, Deputy Warden
Killed at USP Atlanta, December 27, 1917

Friday, May 14, 2010

A Day In The Life

Deep Thoughts


I never in my first 30 years of life ever thought I would ponder questions like this, however, since I have begun my career in corrections, my mind wanders over subjects not previously considered. Some are pretty graphic and not for the kids.

Consider these…

An 8 year old girl is sexually assaulted by a 22 year old man. He spends 12 years in prison and goes home to his family. That girl will never be the same again. She never gets her life back. He claims he has changed. Is this fair? Can someone who does something that horrendous really change? Was 12 years enough?

A man in his early 20’s is persuaded by his church, people he trusts, to participate in a murder. They believe the murder is just as they believe that the man they murdered was oppressing their faith. This man receives a life sentence. It has now been nearly 40 years. In those 40 years, he has been an exemplary inmate. He has never been in trouble. He teaches his faith, that same one, in the prison chapel, encourages other inmates to change their lives around. His wife, who was young herself, has stood by him all these years. He has children who were infants when he received his life sentence. They now have children. He is eligible for a parole. Should he be paroled? He is also sick with cancer. Does that change your opinion? Does it matter that the murder was committed in another prison where he was at the time serving a drug related sentence? Does it matter that it was an officer he killed, not an inmate?

A 20 year old man sexually assaults his girlfriend, who is 17. He readily admits to being high and drunk at the time. He pleads guilty and receives a 10 year sentence. When he gets out of prison he will have to register as a sex offender for life. I agree with this, but is it right he should spend his life labeled a child rapist since his girlfriend was under age? The age difference is slight. Both he and the girl agree they had been dating. Should he be lumped in with that guy who assaulted the 8 year old?

An inmate walks up to a female officer and pulls his penis out and begins masturbating in front of her. Out on the street, this person would be hauled to jail for indecent exposure, at the very least. In prison, they lose their privileges for a time. They serve no additional time. Is this fair? Shouldn’t they be held to the same standards as anyone else?

A business man is growing a ton of marijuana at his cabin in a rural mountain area. Another man is killed in a dispute over some of this marijuana by a third man. During the investigation, it is learned that the business man is the pot grower and they try him along with the killer for the murder. He knew the men, he sold them drugs, and he grew the drugs. He did not kill the guy. He receives life in prison for the murder. It has now been 15 years. Do you think that maybe 15 years is sufficient for growing pot? He never killed the man. They convicted him for conspiracy to commit the murder. Is it fair he should spend his life in prison because a couple of pot heads got into it? Is he responsible because he grew and sold the pot?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Thursday Thirteen



Thirteen Tasty Treats

1. Brownies
2. Butterscotch Blondies (Carolynn's New Creation)
3. Apple Pie
4. Chocolate Chip Cookies
5. Peanut Butter Cookies
6. Banana Cream Pie
7. Banana Split
8. Root Beer Float
9. Chocolate Malt
10. Ding Dongs
11. Twinkies
12. Oatmeal Cookies
13. Chocolate Cake

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

My Mom Is Brighter Than The Sun…

But she is always gone, but I still love her.

Oh yeah, that was how Catherine’s mother’s day poem ended. Can we say guilt?

I know I have been working a lot. But the car repairs were expensive. I worked overtime to pay for the car, but due to an unforeseen paperwork error, my work now owes me 47 hours in overtime pay. Yeah. Oh, I should be getting it on this next paycheck, but in the meantime I still had to pay for the car payment, the repairs, the bills, food and other such. As a matter of fact, currently, our cell phones are shut off because they were last on the list of priorities and they didn’t make the cut. Oh well, they will be back on Monday. I am sure it will be all for the best when soon we can buy our own home and it will be awesome. In the meantime, I think I will spend more time with Catherine. I don’t see her much since she is at school when I am at home.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Mother’s Day. I have to go to work soon.

Friday, May 07, 2010

A Day In The Life

The Odd Couple


At certain points during the day, inmates are locked into their cells and counted for security and accountability purposes. It is pretty standard really. We do it several times a day, every single day.

On one such day, another officer and I are conducting a count. We always have two people to count. The other officer is walking ahead of me counting as I walk behind him, also counting. We are counting his unit first, and then we will go next door and count my side.

We finish the lower level of the unit. We go upstairs and begin in the same pattern. We get about ¾ of the way around, and we come across an unusual sight. Two inmates, cellmates, are standing apart, like two bulls about to charge. We stop. We question them. They say they are cool. We continue counting. When we finish, we walk back to that cell and again look in. They are still acting odd, but they say they are fine.

It’s not as if we try and purposely mix match inmates into the same cell. We certainly do not try and create chaos. We wouldn’t mix a Hispanic gang member with a black gang member. We wouldn’t put a skin head in with a black guy. Really. The two inmates in this cell were black and in the same gang as far as we could tell.

We go downstairs to record our count. Neither he nor I were satisfied with the actions of the two people in that cell. But we had already checked them twice. They said they were fine. I locked the office door as we prepared to go count my unit. The other officer had walked away from me towards the passage to the other side. I had just locked the door and was in the center of the unit when I heard a bang coming from the area of that same cell. Both the other officer and I turn and head in that direction. He cannot see from the way he walks, but I can see the cell. I look up and I see it. The two inmates are fighting. I push the alarm on my radio and tell the control officer what I have… an inmate on inmate fight in cell #(blank) in Unit #(blank). She calls for help for us, as we run up to the cell. We want to see if there are weapons involved. There are not.

I run down and open the main door. Staff is coming from every available location. When there are five of us, I open the door and we rush in. At that same time a bunch more people have arrived. I am small, and a large officer literally picked me up and placed me out of the way. About five staff members now have one guy pinned to the back wall and cuffed. But the other guy doesn’t want to give up. He is still shouting at the other inmate and struggling with staff. It took about 6 staff members to finally get him pinned to the ground and cuffed.

No staff is hurt, only my pride a little. I hate when other officers assume I can’t do anything because I am small. However, the next day, that same officer who moved me, who I already know is a really nice guy and who doesn’t think I am incapable, told me what a good job I did. I saw the fight, I gave clear directions, and I accurately recorded the whole thing in memos and reports. Sometimes when you are in a struggle, you forget some stuff. When you are just observing it is easier to remember and record. Since there were plenty of big beefy men willing to get in there and break up the fight, why not have me take care of something I am good at? Sometimes you have to go with what you’re good at.

The inmates are a little bumped and bruised. They were taken to medical and assessed, then to a disciplinary segregation for the fighting. Just another day at work.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Thursday Thirteen



Thirteen Animals We’d Have On Our Farm… If We Had A Farm (which would look like the farm in Milo and Otis)

1. Cows- David wants dairy cows because he doesn’t want to meet his dinner beforehand
2. Goats- For weed control
3. Horses- To ride of course
4. Chickens- For eggs
5. Turkeys- For dinner
6. Ducks- For eggs and to live in the large pond on our farm
7. Ostrich- Because Catherine wants one
8. Dogs- Because we already have some
9. Cats- Because we already have some
10. Fish- To swim in my pond and tease my cats
11. Kids- Because they are the biggest animals of them all
12. Pigs- For bacon
13. Llama- I have no idea

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Weird Cat Thing

For some reason my cat Muffins likes to tip over drinks. The cups can be full or empty. She sticks her face in the cup and if she can't reach she will tip it over. That's why you can't leave cups around or else Muffins will find it.